


Teach Me How To Be Okay

by castivak



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Supernatural
Genre: Castiel is Jack Kline's Parent, Crying Jack Kline, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Food Issues, Gen, Hurt Jack Kline, Jack Kline Needs A Hug, Jack Kline Whump, M/M, Sam Winchester is Jack Kline's Parent, Self-Esteem Issues, Trans Jack Kline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:15:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22252426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castivak/pseuds/castivak
Summary: when you have what other people desperately crave, it's hard to realize that you also have something less than desirable.
Relationships: Castiel/Sam Winchester, Jack Kline & Peter Parker
Kudos: 17





	Teach Me How To Be Okay

**Author's Note:**

> this is based off my own personal experiences and there is a *slight* dramatization being done, for the sake of writing, but this is entirely projection of my own problems so enjoy i guess.

they're so fucking gorgeous.

michelle with her long curly hair and chocolate brown eyes, and then there was peter with his short curls and sharp jawline, not to mention that they were also thin but muscular and their skin always seemed to be clear, they were practically the ideal versions of the male and female body in most peoples minds.

why couldn't jack be like that?

his hair wasn't soft and voluminous, it was thin and had been in the same cut since middle school. he barely had any muscle definition, his jawline wasn't prominent and his cheeks were too round and squishy. acne was a common appearance on his skin, having at least two zits littering his face and they weren't subtle. his figure wasn't masculine at all and it was...... _thicker_ than he wished.

peter and mj weren't the first people that jack felt lesser around, he felt that way about random people for as long as he could remember, sometimes it was just a random person on the street or a media influence that jack wasn't sure if he wanted to be them or be with them, but there were certain moments that stood out in his life.

in elementary school, there was this girl named rekah, she was popular and athletic with a lovely personality, meaning everyone laughed at her jokes and wanted to be on her team for kickball, she was known as the "pretty girl" of his grade and yeah, they were children but beauty standards start young and when jack looked down at his own body and then at hers, a pit would form in his stomach.

in middle school, just about everyone in the locker room that caused that same pit to form in jack's stomach. most of the students could run the mile with ease, but he would struggle to do three laps, which would result in a failing grade and being ridiculed by the teacher, which would then lead to panic attacks in the bathroom that he would struggle to stay quiet during and have to act like they never happened, not to mention the teasing from other students that just added onto the blow to his already low self-esteem.

and now, at midtown tech, peter parker and michelle jones are the ones who stand out.

of course they didn't tease him or mock him in a serious way like the middle schoolers did, they were his best friends and he loved them dearly, but as mentioned earlier; beauty standards start young and the insecurities come with them, so comparing himself to those two wasn't something he could really stop himself from doing.

he just wanted to be satisfied with his body, he wanted to not get a gross feeling in his chest when he saw his stomach poking out over the waistband of his jeans or when his thighs began to make his pants tear at the seams due to the friction they caused.

of course, there were ways to achieve that desire. 

sure, some of the things he needed to do to be okay with his body required surgery, but his weight-related issues could be taken care of easily; the apartments he lived in had a gym that was available to residents and a diet plan wouldn't be too hard to put together.

this could work.

  
• **◇** •

  
okay, so maybe it couldn't work.

while jack did try to go to the complex gym every day and he tried to keep his meals small and healthy, the plan fell through quickly as he began being less strict with himself.

he could skip the gym today, no big deal.

he could eat unhealthy today, why not?

meh, the gym doesn't sound too good today.

dads ordered take out because they were tired from work and didn't want to cook, he could just work off that the next day.

eventually, he stopped entering the gym and his workout clothes remained in his drawers, the calorie counting app was deleted from his phone along with the exercise app he downloaded. jack's natural laziness over took him once again and he was very aware that quiting like this wasn't going to get him anywhere, the lack of self motivation and care was too strong and he just let it happen.

maybe he could try and keep some what of a restriction when it came to meals, but he had a feeling that it would be quickly given up just like everything else.

  
• **◇** •

  
some days, maybe four out of the seven days a week, jack would go to school without breakfast which he already did for most of his life anyway and he didn't eat the cafeteria meals, except maybe some fruit so that he didn't fall asleep during his last periods.

other times, he realizes that he hasn't eaten all day until he smells what his dad cooked for dinner or the topic of dinner comes up, which he either devours or barely touches, probably just because it was either something he really enjoyed or it was something they've had five times in the past week and he was sick of it.

hunger pains would hit him in the middle of the day and he would just shove it down and ignore the nauseous aching, focusing on the youtube video he was watching or the homework he was doing, knowing that eventually it would pass and his stomach would stop asking for food.

when dinner was served, trying to not let his parents see his plate so they didn't comment on how little there was on it, those days where the mere thought of food made his guts twist with nausea but he had to choke down at least something so suspicions wouldn't arise.

he didn't want to deal with the conversation of "are you sick? why won't you eat?" or the "eat and you'll feel better." because those were the worst conversations and lying to his dads was never easy, especially because he was a shitty liar.

avoidance wasn't lying though, and this eating pattern wasn't that weird, he called it "depression eating" because he was a highschooler, of course he had a mental health problem, and he knew that depression caused scattered eating patterns and he ate everyday, it just took awhile before he would eat, so it was totally fine.

  
• **◇** •

  
"you're shrinking."

"what?" jack asked as he turned his head to his friend across the lunch table, eyebrows furrowed in confusion from mj's comment, "you're basically swimming in your clothes and while you already wore baggy stuff, they weren't that big on you." she mumbled and jack looked down at himself, not really understand what michelle was getting at because he could see his muffin top through his graphic tee, the bottom of the tarot card on his shirt sticking out more than the rest because of said muffin top.

"you're seeing things."

"am i?"

"mj, stop." peter muttered to her, the teenagers turning to him, "i'm just saying." mj shrugged and peter gave her a half-hearted glare which made a small bit of anxiety settle in jack's chest, "peter, she's just making conversation, i don't mind it." he tried, despite the fact that he really did mind it because the thought that she was just saying it to be nice was hurtful.

she also wasn't the first to mention it; castiel had said something the other day when jack wore a new shirt, showing his dad how it fit and while his father said it looked good on him, he mentioned that he seemed to be losing weight and just like now, jack felt like he was just trying to be nice.

"that isn't just conversation, its--"

"i said it's fine."

the uncomfortable silence that fell over the lunch table was suffocating, it getting a bit harder to breathe as jack was suddenly very aware of how he could feel his torso rise and fall with each breath, feeling the waistband of his jeans pushing against his stomach and his ribs almost burning from his binder, dysphoria and dysmorphia sitting atop his chest and crushing it.

in an attempt to change focus, jack put his headphones on and quickly put on his music, feeling bad that he was ignoring his friends but he didn't want to just get up and leave, that would make his discomfort too obvious and he didn't want michelle to think she over stepped or for peter to pity him.

telling himself to just focus on the music and not the way his shirt brushes against his stomach with every breath or how his binder is not tight enough and his chest feels too big or how he's just bringing his friends down by sitting by them and being in a bad mood.

he had to focus on something else and he'd be fine.

  
• **◇** •

  
his parents usually worked on saturdays, which meant the apartment was empty until around six at night and jack had it all to himself to do almost anything he wanted the entire day.

today was particularly bland, his homework was done quickly and he had already watched all the youtube videos in his sub box, now he was just laying on the couch as the tv faintly played a game grumps compilation as he scrolled through his phone, wanting the background noise.

the semi-silence was disrupted by a rather loud growl from jack's stomach, the sound and feeling catching him a bit off guard as the hunger suddenly hit him like a goddamn train, his stomach feeling way too empty and he got up, needing to put something edible inside of him.

shifting through the fridge and pantry, wanting to find something that not only was good but also not small because that emptiness was mearly overwhelming and he felt like he could eat a five course meal right now and ask for more.

instant ramen, that was good! two packets would be even better, with some eggs too!

as he waited for water to boil, jack continued to look for food, grabbing fruit snack packets and eating handfuls of the gummies at a time, barely chewing as the fruit shaped gelatin was small enough to just swallow whole, grabbing a banana and ripping it apart, eating the pieces as he stared at his now cooking noodles.

taking out a pan and cooking some scrambled egg yolks to go with his noodles, absentmindedly eating a handful of goldfish crackers as he did so and once everything was done, assembled into a bowl and the dirty lot and pan was in the sink, jack sat back down on the couch and ate his noodles, feeling as if the emptiness in him wasn't even close to going away.

it didn't take long before the bowl of ramen was empty and jack was back in the kitchen looking for more food, grabbing anything that didn't need any preparation and could just get into his mouth with ease.

it also didn't take long before the weight of all the food set in, it hitting him in the middle of a mouthful of bread, just plain fucking bread, and jack swallowed the last bit of food in his mouth, the fullness of his stomach almost painful as guilt and discomfort filled his chest and he let out a shaky breath, it hard to breathe from how full he was and there was a minor urge to throw up, just get everything out of him and get rid of the disgustingly tight feeling inside of him.

his clothes were suddenly way too tight, the kitchen seemed like a cursed area, and it felt like it was possible for him to have eaten so much that he would actually explode.

jack scrambled to clean the mess he made in kitchen, wrappers and crumbs littering the kitchen, visible evidence of his vile act and after getting rid of any sign that he had eaten anything, he flopped down onto the couch and tried to ignore how his stomach was obviously sticking out from the amount of garbage he shoved into it.

god, he was so fucking gross.

  
• **◇** •

  
"you know you can tell me anything right?"

at peter's question, jack looked up from his phone and at his friend, who was hanging from the top bunk of his bed as the blonde sat in his desk chair, "yeah, i know........why the sudden mention?" jack asked, folding his arms over the back of the chair and resting his head there, "forgive me if i sound like a complete asshole, but it's just.....you seem different, man. i can't help but feel that something is going on."

"i still don't know what you mean, but nothing's going on. my life is still the same as when you entered it."

"is it?"

jack tensed a bit at that, thinking back to michelle's "am i?" and thinking that he knew what peter was getting at, trying to have one of the conversations that he tried to avoid at all costs, "yes, it is. my dads are fine, school's fine, you're fine, i'm fine. everything's fine." he replied, almost too quickly, but he just wanted peter to stop pressing and continue with their normal time together.

peter sat up and jumped down from the bunk, sitting on the bottom bed and turning to jack, "you're _shrinking_ , jack." peter spoke, adding a certain emphasis to the word shrinking and once again, jack just thought of michelle's and his dad's words, knowing that they were just trying to make him feel better about his awful body, but something about peter's tone didn't sound like he was trying to compliment him.

more like he was trying to _warn_ him.

"why does everyone keep fucking saying that? i'm still as fat as i was at the beginning of the semester, nothing's changed."

"something has changed jack, it's not hard to see."

"i'm fucking fine!" jack snapped, standing up in his outburst, not knowimg why there was a surge of anger bubbling inside his chest, but here it was and it wanted to get out, "i'm fine and nothing is different! will you stop acting like my fucking parents?!"

"jack, i'm not trying to offend you, but you clearly need help--"

"with what, peter? please, tell me what my problem is because lord knows i'm too stupid to figure it out."

"do you have an eating disorder?"

_an eating disorder._

jack froze, that phrase making his heart clench and his lungs get robbed of all their air, the easy task of breathing suddenly being a struggle.

_**an eating disorder.** _

"n-no. no, of course i don't. that doesn't make any sense."

"how doesn't it? i haven't seen you eat an actual meal in forever and you're losing weight so fast and you obviously don't see it, even though i'm sure everyone else does, so how doesn't it make sense you for you to--"

"because i don't have a reason, peter!" jack interrupted, glaring at his friend who seemed way too calm for this type of conversation, "my fucking life is great! i have two loving parents who support me in almost everything i do! they support me, care for me, love me, respect me! i have what people pray every night for because they're being fucking treated like garbage by their own blood!" he screamed, thankful that him and peter were the only ones home because his words were getting concerning. "i don't have a reason or a right to hurt, peter! so many people have it so much worse which means that i can't have trauma or anything fucked up because there has been nothing but good in my life! i'm fucking lucky as shit, i don't get to hurt!"

jack panted softly, his throat burning from the screaming and his lungs begging for air, his eyes beginning to form tears as the realization of his words and past actions hit him, "i....i don't get to.....i......" he stammered, trying to find more words but the memories of every day without food, of every choked down meal, and of every black out binge played in his mind like a fucked up slideshow and the sob that left jack's throat was what made peter stand up, pulling his friend into a tight hug and letting him break.

jack doesn't really know how peter and him ended up on the floor, the brunette holding him as he cried like a baby into his chest, trying to breathe as more and more sobs made their way out of his chest and tears poured down his cheeks, "i-it hurts-s, it fucking _hurts_." jack whimpered out as he managed to pull some of himself together, able to breathe but still sniffling and letting out small sob-like sounds, "i-i don't get it, i don't understand why i feel this, everything's fine but.... _fuck_."

"jack, pain isn't exclusive. everyone feels it and it comes in so many forms and those forms have several different forms too." peter cooed, pulling away and using his thumb to wipe away the tears from jack's face, "just because you have a good family life doesn't mean that you can't have something like an eating disorder and maybe it isn't the textbook definition, but those definitions don't fit everyone's experience. it doesn't matter where you came from, you're allowed to not be okay, there are no requirements to pain."

jack struggled to find a response, sitting there and sniffling as he wiped at his face and eventually just put his head back on peter's shoulder, hugging back and clutching onto his friend's shirt.

"i......i think i need help."

**Author's Note:**

> don't mind the spelling/grammar mistakes. i'm lazy by nature and don't pay attention to things.


End file.
